Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins | The Onion

Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins
July 31, 2006 | Issue 42•31

TALLAHASSEE, FL—With tensions already at an all-time high, the
nearly 96-hour standoff between area resident Anthony Shepard and his
hypothalamus came to a head Monday when the 32-year-old called for
the immediate release of all endorphins back into his bloodstream.
Shepard says he refuses to negotiate and demands an end to all
hostilities.

While motivations behind the assault remain unclear, it now appears
that Shepard's hypothalamus seized control of his nervous, limbic,
and endocrine systems late Thursday night, killing several innocent
physical desires such as appetite and sexual drive in the ensuing
synaptic fire.

"Earlier this week, events took place between my cerebrum's temporal
lobes that can only be described as criminal," said Shepard, who told
reporters he was first saddened, then angered, abruptly overjoyed,
and saddened again to hear about the complete deregulation of his
emotions. "To the nefarious gland responsible for this cowardly act,
I know you can hear me. I demand, in no uncertain terms, that you
surrender and cease all hostilities at once."

"We have you completely surrounded," Shepard added.

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